Take yourself out of the story, put the reader in it

Today, I read an article that tried hard to put some personality, in the form of emotion into a main character. Personality and emotion are important and help bring some life into a story. A common mistake is in telling the reader what that emotion is instead of showing it.

For example, the following sentence:

He showed pride in his work as he talked about it.

That's the writer’s opinion. By giving that opinion, the writer has now inserted himself into the story. In writing non-fiction features and news, this is a bad idea. It isn’t a very good idea for fiction either. This is for first person opinion pieces and thesis papers.

I’m sure there are exceptions to the rule. There always are. I won’t go into any of those but let's look at how to show the reader that pride instead of telling the reader about it.

Try this:

His shoulders lifted a little straighter as the soft-spoken man’s words came out steady and clear while he described the work he does. All the while, hands that had been down at his side (or in his pocket) punctuated the air as he pointed to the tools of his trade.

OK – this is longer but it also shows me his emotion without putting the writer in the story. That shows me his pride and allows me, as the reader to think what I want. I might think that the man knows his job and comes alive when he gets to talk about it.

You get the idea. Be observant. You can't make this stuff up later and expect it to be convincing. Record it as it happens. Use photos, voice recorders, whatever you can to help arm yourself with things to describe. Does your interview subject talk with their hands? Does his demeanor change? Show how. Look for the describable and write it. Leave drawing an emotional conclusion to the reader.

Here are some emotions and possible physical signs.

Fear – clasping hands, shaking, looking over the shoulder, voice lowering.

Excitement – rapid hand movements, eyes darting around to everyone rapidly, raised voice

Anger – voice volume, change in color (red faced – which can also be embarrassment or shyness) leaning forward, fisting hands. Narrowed eyes.

Watch for those things in your subject. Does your subject show signs that are unique? Those are great for putting the reader in front of the subject.

By showing your reader the emotion, you bring them into the story instead of yourself, and that is the goal isn’t it?

Share some ways you bring the reader into your scene. Would love to see examples and feedback on how you handle keeping yourself out of the story.